Tis the season…for tons of questions about formally amazing sleepers who now have sleep issues. My inbox is overflowing with tired, and ever so slightly frustrated, parents who just want to get some sleep. And every message (no exaggeration) begins with some version of this: “My 36 month old used to be the best sleeper. We never sleep trained. He just always slept. Now he fights sleep and wakes up every night and we need help!!!!”
The good news is that you’re not alone. Ok, maybe that’s not “good” news, but hopefully it’s comforting news. The other good news is that you can help your toddler (or preschooler or older child) get more sleep.
The bad bad news is that sleep disturbance does require a ton of patience. Be prepared for some trial and error, and get your partner in on it so that you can give each other breaks while you help your child return to peaceful sleep.
The first step is to change your own thought patterns.
For some reason, many parents have been conditioned to believe that a sleeping child is a sign of great parenting (it’s not) and that kids can be trained like dogs and seals to do exactly what we want them to do without repercussions (they can’t).
Stop worrying about the outside world and what you read in a book at some point and focus on your unique situation, instead. Books and information are helpful, but you have to treat your child as an individual if you want to help your child thrive.
Given that every child has different needs and different roadblocks to sleep, you have to choose what will work for your child. Some of these strategies might help, but others might not. That’s okay. Keep calm and keep trying. Before you know it, you will all be sleeping well again.
Find the source:
Young children have ups and downs when it comes to sleep, and that’s perfectly normal. Most kids wake up at some point during the night as part of the normal sleep cycle. While some kids drift right back to sleep, others struggle to return to sleep on their own. Those kids need help learning to self-soothe.
Common causes of sleep disturbance:
- Fears: As kids begin to understand the world around them, they also begin to experience fears. These often arise at night (when everything is quiet). Be on the lookout for fear of the dark, shadows, monsters, ghosts, and being left alone. Nighttime separation anxiety is very common among toddlers and preschoolers.
- Insufficient exercise
- Thirst
- Hunger
- Exhaustion: Believe it or not, lack of sleep can lead to lack of sleep. It’s a nasty little cycle.
- Illness
Tweak the routine:
You know that perfect bedtime routine you created for your child? That might not actually be working for your child. It might be time to make a few small changes.
Review your routine to look for trouble spots. Are you often hurried and stressed at night? Kids (even the little ones) pick up on parental stress and will have difficulty falling and staying asleep when under stress. Does story time become play time? Consider a basket of “nighttime only” books that helps kids prepare for bed. Are you starting the routine too early or too late? Aim for a 7-7:30pm bedtime – start the routine early enough to allow time to feel relaxed during the process.
Guided relaxation:
I can’t say enough good things about using guided relaxation to help kids sleep. In five minutes, you can help your little one relax their bodies and their brains. It works. Try it.
The first step is to practice deep breathing. Teach your child to breathe the colors of the rainbow while in a relaxed position in bed. Breathe in the color red for three, hold for three, and breathe out for three. Repeat with all colors.
The second step is to have your child snuggle up with you and close her eyes while you take her on a relaxing journey in her imagination. You know your child best, so where you go along the journey should appeal to your child (my daughter likes fairy villages). Spend 3-5 minutes telling the story in a quiet and even voice tone.
Loveys for big kids:
Nighttime separation anxiety can be a significant roadblock to sleep for little ones. It’s lonely and overwhelming in a dark, quiet room. Especially after a busy day! A little bit of empathy and a few transitional objects can go a long way toward helping your child feel connected and calm.
My daughter still sleeps with an old sweatshirt of mine – we tried that strategy when my husband was on a very long tour when she was three and it worked well for her. Something of yours will help your child feel less lonely.
Pictures taped to the headboard can also be a big help.
And never underestimate the power of a homemade dream catcher and extra night lights!
Continuous music:
A dark and quiet room is a recipe for scary thoughts in the imagination. Even small sounds seem huge when you’re left alone in the dark!
Continuous (calming) music can help kids drift off to sleep and get back to sleep when they wake during the night. We love Bedtime with the Beatles around here, but you make the call for your child. Note: Classical music isn’t always relaxing…choose carefully.
Anticipate requests:
Kids really do get thirsty at night. And sometimes one last hug just feels good. Chances are you already know what your child will ask for, so why not plan ahead? Fill a water bottle and keep it by the bed. Factor in extra time for chit chat, extra hugs and kisses, and one last song.
Find the patterns and problem solve in advance to avoid late night frustration.
Choose relaxing shows:
I know, I know…as an expert, I really should caution you to avoid any TV before bed. As a mom, I know that TV actually can be relaxing. As long as you choose the right shows.
We rely on our old favorites for calming things down around here: Curious George, Clifford, and Clifford Puppy Days keep things mellow in our house. We avoid more stimulating shows like Paw Patrol (great show but action packed) and Wild Kratts at night (those are daytime winners).
As always, follow up TV time with books and other relaxing strategies (like a leg massage) to help your child wind down.
All kids are different. My son goes to bed without much fanfare after our little routine, but my daughter prefers that I hang around. So I do. These things feel huge in the moment, but they are time limited. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself longing for the little one who wanted extra snuggles at night. Try to keep that in mind as you work your way through these difficult parenting moments.
Pin It